My Wilderness

Today was a really rough day. I admit that I felt defeated and plunged into despair. I even found myself for the first time feeling angry. Why God? I text a few friends complaining about my situation. 

My husband had interviewed earlier this week for a supervisor position with the most perfect schedule: Monday through Friday, 7-4pm. The absolute answer to prayer for this mama who has been treading water. He had a department manager put in a good word for him and the man who interviewed him said he did, "Excellent". Our hopes were high and the announcement was to be made today about who got the position. 

He didn't get it. 

Store manager assured him that he interviewed very well, but someone else had a bit more experience in that particular department. 

My heart SUNK. My attitude took a nose dive. Why God? Can't we catch a break? Do You never want us to be financially successful? Yes, I am well aware that I have chosen to stay home and spend my days saturating our children's education and every waking moment with Jesus. I know this means less income than the "average" American household, but if You have called us to do that, why would you not reward us for obedience? So many why questions today. 

This evening as I listened to the Lenten devotional I am doing with Ann Voskamp and also opened the pages to another study I am doing by Priscilla Shirer, the words leaped from the pages and into my eyes, my ears and then my heart. 

"Know you are on the way when you accept there is no way to God except through Gethsemanes where you say, Not my way done, but only, always Your way." -- Ann Voskamp. 

I pray The Lord's Prayer pretty much daily, "Not my will but THINE be done", and yet here I sit complaining, grumbling and questioning my Lord. How convicting to even type that last sentence. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, forgive me a sinner. 

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 says, "Now you shall remember the whole way the Lord your God led you in the desert, to deal harshly with you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He dealt harshly with you and weakened you with hunger, and fed you with manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word proceeding from the mouth of God man shall live." 

God's allowance of the difficulties of the wilderness was to prepare the Israelites by doing two things: testing their intentions and calling them to obedience. He did this by allowing the wilderness to humble them. 

Wow. 

The wilderness is designed to reveal whether we really want God or if we just to "get out of town" and to Canaan as soon as possible. He is interested in knowing if we've submitted to the wilderness only to receive the rewards that come with Canaan or if we truly desire Him more than anything.... even the rewards. 

Ouch. God forgive me. 

Obeying is easy when it makes sense and when mild and honey are flowing all around us, but the true test of our commitment is best seen when there is no refreshment in sight, just plain after plain of dry wasteland. Will I obey God even then? 

God help me to appreciate Your goodness to me during the wilderness seasons and not just the abundant seasons. I am in deep need of your grace, mercy and forgiveness for my grumbling and questioning of Your goodness. 

As I close this blog post I hear these words to a song playing in the background on my computer and they are absolutely perfect for this moment in my life.... 

..."bear the cross while you wait for the crown"..... 

Help me bear the cross You have given me. May You turn my mess into a message that You are The Source of All. 

 Glory to Jesus Christ!