Meltdown Musings...

It was almost eleven o'clock and typically our children are all tucked in bed for a least an hour by now but this night was later due to some activities. I had worked so hard to plan and be prepared and follow my schedule as best I could. It was time to tuck Ava in bed for the night so I sent my hubby upstairs to do just that. A few minutes later I could hear Ava having what I describe as a meltdown and I began to pray. Liam was fast asleep in his bedroom but his room isn't that far from Ava's bedroom and I worried about her waking him up. Next I heard repeated pounding on the floor sounding like a herd of elephants running from danger. My oldest came downstairs from his third floor bedroom wondering why on earth his room was shaking and what was that sound. I prayed out loud some more, begging God not to let this wake up Liam. If it woke Liam up, I feared that I would mentally and emotionally snap. I sent my oldest back to bed assuring him we would take care of things and I quickly ran up the stairs to Ava's bedroom. I opened and closed the door with extreme speed for fear the noise levels of her meltdown would awaken my sleeping toddler. I managed to get her tucked into bed but her meltdown, just in a more mild version, continued even as I told her I loved her and shut her door. I went downstairs to where my husband was, whom I hadn't hardly seen or spoken to all day and could hear Ava continue to cry. I turned to my husband in desperation and said, "If she gets any louder and wakes up Liam,I am going to lose it." I was desperaetly fighting back tears as I uttered those words. My mind immediately began to catastrophize and my entire body went into panic mode. I wish I could say that situations and reactions similar to the one described above rarely happen, but that would be a lie. In fact, there are many days that I have wondered what life would be like if I ran away from all this chaos, stress and responsibility. I have wondered if the cross that Christ has given me to carry will shorten my life span because it seems incredibly heavy some days. But I have never questioned His love for me. I know that even on my darkest days He is right there with me. When all I can manage to say is, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner", I know that He is listening. He is my ever present help in time of trouble. The Christian life was never intended to be a walk in the park and in fact Christ Himself told us that we are to pick up our cross DAILY and follow Him. I do pick up my cross daily and try my best to follow Him, BUT I am guilty of complaining and growing weary in well doing. Lord have mercy.